i had always wanted to write a dairy for myself, but most of the time, i was too lazy to continue writing it. i have tried writing a diary everyyear since i reached class 6 (evey january, to be pecise when appa would get me a new diary), but hardly, i would have written for more than two or three days.
But still, i feel that ‘writing’ has been my best companion at the worst times. I always feel very relieved and refreshed whenver i write down whatever i feel during particularly hard times. I have had this habit since a long time, and usually i would just write in my note-books, rough books, pieces of paper etc and keep them stacked somewhere. And, then every once in a while, i would look into what i had written, feel stupid about what i had written and just throw the stuff away.
the same thing happened in college also. only, i managed to write on a lot more eclectic things. i had written on diaries, notebooks, train tickets, tissue papers, on tiny bus tickets. i also had been carrying these things in my wallet. On the last day of college, while i was pretending to clean my room and pack things up and leave, i started reading all that i had written, and was lost in all the moments that i wrote up those things, i had mostly bitter, but bitter-sweet memories of all the tiny incidents which led to make certain decisions, rue them later and finally write about it. It was an awesome journey that my mind took. Bu, later as morning dawned, i threw all of it away.
I threw them away, because i was leaving college, and i wanted to leave the ‘memories’ attached to those particular pieces of writing. But, I promised myself that i will not commit those mistakes again.
Today, inadvertently, i clicked the ‘drafts’ link on my email and found a mail lying in it. It was one of those writings which i mentioned i wanted to forget, but still there it was and it bought back a sea of memories, which i have been carefully avoiding for the past 8 months.
and the most amazing part was that i had left myself a comment in that ‘mail’:
kaushik, dont delete this, because this is one reminder of all the mistakes that you committed, and if you are suffering, it is beacuse you deserve it.